That age. It seems to be in the 6-8 year old range when developmentally kids start ‘getting’ the concept of death – that it’s real, that it happens, that’s life is finite, and that dying is not just about really old people.
As a parent, I find these discussions heart-wrenching. I just want everything to be fine and happy and okay. Like any of us, want to take away all the hurt, pain and fear for my babies.
But inevitably the questions start roll in and the fears and the night time worries come out. (I suppose I can at least take a little comfort that the questions are being asked. I suppose I’d rather try to answer the tough questions than have the worry stay bottled up inside, unanswered.)
And so it was, the other night, when my middle son (7-yo) came over to our room after bedtime. He had big tears in his eyes and a very concerned look on his face. When we asked him what was wrong, he asked us – what really happens when we die?
Answering the tough stuff
My husband and I did our best not to break down and cry with him as he seems so deeply troubled by this thought.
Now let me say first, that neither my husband nor I consider ourselves incredibly religious. But we both have agreed that we believe in heaven.
So we fumbled our way through a 7-yo’s list of questions like how do you actually get to heaven, what is it like, what do you do there and who else will be there?
We started with things like “no one’s really sure, but this is what we believe….” Our answers seemed to help a little as his serious, concerned face soften a bit.
After a short while, my husband and I concluded that we believed that one day we would all be together in heaven again with those we had already lost.
My son grew quiet and we were unsure what he was thinking. His face returned to worry and tears again.
‘What is it?’ we said.
‘But…but how will I find you in heaven?’ he asked.
Oh my dear, sweet, love…. <3
And that’s when I thanked my lucky stars that someone had recommended the perfect book to me when my oldest was having similar worries.
I found some words for him.
But how will I find you in heaven?
‘Remember the invisible string?’ I said, ‘the one that connects us even when we’re not together? I’ll use that to find you.’
‘Really?’ he asked. ‘Will that work?’
‘Oh yes,’ I said.
He paused. The asked, ‘but what if it breaks?’
‘It can’t,’ I said. ‘My love for you is too strong.’
‘Oh. So we’ll just follow the string till we find each other?’
‘Yes, my love. Yes we will.’
And with that he let out a satisfied sigh, gave us each a hug, and returned to his room.
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
In case you find yourself having a similar conversation one day, here’s how the author describes it:
“People who love each other are always connected by a very special String made of love…. Even though you can’t see it with your eyes, you can feel it with your heart and know that you are always connected to everyone you love.” ~ Patrice Karst
Her words allowed me to let out a sigh of relief as well. <3
