New Mom Isolation and How to Overcome It

Becoming a new mom… so many talk about the joys of motherhood, and don’t get me wrong, there is joy!

But sometimes it’s just plain hard.

My first child was born in late November. It was freezing cold outside and our little “starter” house had some funky heating issues, which meant that the only room in the house that consistently stayed warm was my bedroom. We didn’t live in a community setting, so no neighbors around with young children, and my pre-baby social network was all back to work after the Thanksgiving holiday.

So my infant son and I would literally stay in that bedroom for the better part of the day. Every day.

Talk about isolating.

new mom isolationCouple that with the crazy postpartum hormones, the complete and utter lack of sleep, difficulty nursing, and this new little person who is completely dependent (and yet, comes with no instructions, classes, or fuel gauges), and there are bound to be some meltdowns.

Looking back, sometimes I wonder how I didn’t go insane. And this was with a healthy baby and healthy mom, relatively speaking. (HUGE shout out to all moms of multiples, special needs babies, and single parents!!)

What is it that pulls new moms through those crazy first weeks and months?

For me, I think it was a few key things:

  1. GratitudeDespite hormones being completely out of whack, sleep deprivation, and heat duct-induced isolation, there was still an immense feeling of thankfulness that I had even a small role in bringing this new little life into the world. And I kept a little daily gratitude journal by my bed and wrote in it each night.
  2. EmpathyI will never forget my sister-in-law (a mom of 4) stopping over for a visit around week 2 giving me one look and saying “Yep, that postpartum stuff is for real.” I nearly cried at the words finally being said out loud. Nobody talks about it. But just in hearing her say that, I felt instant relief. She understood. She got it. Those hormone imbalances are for real. She then insisted that I give her the baby and that I go take a shower (the most glorious 15 mins I’d had since the birth itself). And she proceeded to take us out to lunch. I remember having some initial protests (it’s too cold, what if the baby cries, etc, etc.), but she wasn’t taking no for an answer. So I put on some non-PJ clothes, zipped the baby up in a snow suit and we headed out. Was it cold? Yep. Did the baby cry? Of course. But we all made it. And in that moment, I realized my “pre-baby” life wasn’t over. It was just different now.
  3. Getting out regularlyMy husband saw the mental drain of my isolation. In fact, let’s be honest, he felt the brunt of it when he came home from work each day and I was not-quite-myself (to say the least). So, he insisted that I get out every day. Go to Target. Go to the grocery store. Go for a drive. I don’t care, he said, just get out of the house, if only for a few minutes each day. He was so right. Seeing other humans during the day made me realize that all of them, every last one, was once a baby too. And they all had moms who likely didn’t feel like they had a clue either. And they all made it.
  4. Being with other new momsThere’s just nothing quite like being around others in the same situation. Support from grandmas, aunts, sisters, friends is great and all, but the new mom who was currently trying to figure it all out was who I wanted to connect with most. Thankfully there was a program at a nearby Gymboree for infants. Even just for the one month I was able to join, once a week, it got me talking and seeing other new moms and new babies. Funny thing. They were all struggling with the same things as me!
  5. Ongoing supportLong term, what I found to be invaluable was connecting with a Moms Club. As the weather turned to Spring, and the baby grew more interactive, I wanted to find something inexpensive I could connect with long-term. I was added to a playgroup that helped me more than I could’ve imagined. At the time, it seemed “nice” to be in a group with same-aged babies, but looking back, I can’t speak highly enough of how those other moms helped me feel supported and helped normalize the craziness of motherhood that can feel so lonely and isolating at times.

I would love to know – What helped you in those first months of motherhood?