I have a confession to make. I am terrified of my children. Especially my 21 month old. The 5 year old gives me the chills too, but this post is about my baby.
I am hiding in my bedroom as I write this and I can hear her screeching at my husband for some unknown reason. We have been going through a looooong season with her. A season of tears, teething (two year molars?), tantrums and runny noses. When she gets up in the morning I chase down a rising sense of panic with a hot cup of coffee.
I was sobbing to my therapist about it. Yes, sobbing. I am dramatic just like my children, that’s where they get it I’m sure. She suggested a book called “Love and Logic” about curbing tantrums and dealing with unruly children. Sigh. I dislike parenting books. Or I haven’t found one that hits home yet and I’ve read quite a few. They all have good intentions and I’m sure the tactics have worked for someone. I haven’t had luck with any yet. But I was very hopeful after reading “Love and Logic”.
The idea goes like this:
Give lots of choices about everything. For example my 21 month old did not want to wear pants last week. So I was supposed to say “do you want the pink pants or the blue pants?” Or “Pick a pair of pants from the drawer, which ones do you want?” And if she doesn’t pick in 10 seconds I’m supposed to pick for her. If she still throws a tantrum (which she does) then I put her on time out.
**The book says to use a sing song voice to say a phrase each time she needs to go to time out. It can be anything you want. ours was “uh-oh, uh-oh somebody needs a break” **
Time out for us was strapping her into the spare high chair because she wouldn’t sit anywhere for time out without getting up. The first day I did this 8-10 times. Each time she screamed for 15 minutes at least. I couldn’t take it for longer than that so I would get her out after 15 minutes.
As the days went on it wasn’t getting much better. The time outs maybe went down to 5 at the least. My relationship with my 21 month old seemed to get worse. She only wanted Da Da and ran from me most of the time, hiding her little face in the corner so I wouldn’t see her. I know I’m a sap and I have a soft heart but I couldn’t take it. I thumbed through the Love and Logic book again feeling like a failure. Then it hit me. It wasn’t working for two reasons- first the book clearly says that kids can sense when your heart isn’t in it. The second thing was that I was supposed to leave her in time out until she stopped crying and calmed down. Nope. Picking her up from that chair, wiping the snot from her nose and tears from her cheeks and holding her close was the only thing that felt right.
I threw the book against the wall and started over.
I found my 21 month old methodically throwing each of my 5 year old’s Barbies in the garbage can. I automatically started saying “Uh-oh..” and Ava’s eyes got really big and she ran from me. I burst into tears on the kitchen floor. I heard her heavy footsteps as she came back to look at me. I scooped her up and hugged her while she pointed to my tears and poked me in the eyes saying “Eye. Mama. Eye” Then it was time to go get my 5 year old from school and so began the putting on pants and getting in the car battle. As I drove to school with my screaming baby and blasting 21 pilots to drown out the noise I felt a small sense of relief. No, I did not master the art of “Love and Logic” parenting but I did learn a lot about my relationship with my daughter and how we can weather this season together. With a lot of patience and a lot of love.
Tricia is the owner and head photographer at Viva Portraits and can be found on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/vivaportraits/
