I was Raised by a Lawnmower Parent… and, It Sucked.

You may have seen the post by Karen Fancher a few months ago on ‘lawnmower parenting’, and how it’s a burden on those on the other side of the conversation.  Well, for those of you who may be guilty of raising your kids in this manner, take my advice – don’t do it.  I am the product of lawnmower parenting, and it wasn’t much fun.

Now, let me caveat that with the fact that my parents immigrated to America in the 1970’s, and very much embody the immigrant mentality of fearful living.  My mom had pure culture shock when she first moved here – the clothes, the language, the food – everything was completely new to her.  So when my parents had children, they did everything they could to protect them – even talk for them.  My mom and I have a very close relationship now, but when I was growing up, I was grossly overprotected.

I remember not being able to stand up for myself in grade school and even high school, and looking to my older sibling or my parents to help me out.  I was completely incapable of standing up for myself in any setting, even when I got to college.  When I was a senior in high school, I started applying for colleges on my own, but I had to make sure everything was OK’ed by my mom. I never quite felt sure enough that I was doing a good enough job.  I still vividly remember having an administrative hiccup at one of the colleges I applied to – they did not receive my application in time.  Rather than trying to sort it out myself, I all but assumed my mother would take care of it for me, which she did.  I still remember sitting on the couch, listening to her yell at the college administrator about how the application was sent in on time, because she sent it herself.  At the time, I didn’t think anything of it, but looking back now, I wish I was given more responsibility to handle my own situations earlier.  And here’s why…

I had pure culture shock when I went off to college.  I had no idea where to start – I had always had everything done for me, and had every issue sorted out for me by my parents.  I was not equipped nor ready at all to take on the real world.  I struggled (with a capital S) for years, and in fact, I didn’t quite feel steady on my feet to stand up for myself until I was in my mid twenties – WAY beyond college.  In fact, I don’t think my personality quite formed until my mid twenties, and my confidence finally began solidifying when I was close to 30. I still struggle sometimes in confrontations or difficult situations and often second guess myself.

To those who are reading this and thinking you’re doing the right thing for your child by protecting him when he needs it – you surely are, but also be aware that your actions may have consequences down the road.  I know it may hurt to see your child flounder in an uncomfortable situation, but they are learning and growing.  And I know you want to be there for your child no matter what, but you’ll be helping your child out MUCH more by allowing her to figure her way out of a situation and ask you for help when she needs it, rather than taking over at the onset.

In hindsight, I wish my parents would have let me make more mistakes, and allowed me to get out of situations myself rather than always being there for me, because I truly struggled as an adult.  And now that I’m a mom, I very consciously allow my kids to figure things out on their own and only help when they ask for it, in order to allow them to develop trust in themselves and their abilities, even at their young age.