I’ve written previously about being diagnosed with breast cancer, as well as some of the puzzling things that people said to me during that time. In my final post of this series, I’d like to share some truly thoughtful things that people said and did to help me through.
Helpful things that people said:
- “I don’t know what to say.” You know what? I didn’t either. This was completely new territory for me too – thank you for admitting that this was awkward and scary for both of us.
- “Do you want to talk about it?” Some days this was all I could think about, and other days it was such a blessing to talk about something (anything) else. Asking me first, instead just of assuming I did or didn’t want to talk about it, was much appreciated.
- “This sucks.” Yes, it certainly did. Thank you to everyone who acknowledged that I got a bum deal. And I am forever grateful to the friends who let me know it was okay to admit that I didn’t always feel like a warrior.
- “Let’s go for coffee (or to the movies, to eat sushi, or whatever we did together before this happened).” I truly appreciated the friends who treated me just like they always did. Cancer didn’t change what I enjoyed or who I wanted to hang out with. Sure, some days I didn’t feel up to it, but I’m very thankful for the friends who recognized that I was still me.
- “I’m going to the store tomorrow. Can I pick anything up?” Notice that this is a definitive statement, not something vague like, “Let me know if there is anything I can do.” Everyone wants to be helpful, but making a specific offer to do something let me know exactly what you were going to do and when. Otherwise, the onus was on me to ask for help and I had to guess if it was too much to ask, if you had the time, etc.
- “We’re going to the movies on Saturday afternoon. Would your kids like to join us?” More than anything else, I wanted my kids to have a sense of normalcy during this time. I am forever indebted to the friends who made sure that my kids still got to be kids while I recovered from something so scary.
- “I am thinking of you.” Of all the beautiful and touching things people said to me, this one meant the most. It encompasses so many things – prayers and hope among them. And it meant that good thoughts were with me, even in the dark moments.
Helpful things that people did or sent:
- New pajamas, robes, slippers, etc. There’s a lot of truth to “look good, feel better.” I felt a lot less miserable in the beautiful pajamas, gowns and robes that my girlfriends bought me – WAY better than in the ratty old T-shirts and sweats I would have otherwise laid around in. ** Related idea: I was also given some beautiful blankets, both handmade and purchased, to snuggle under after procedures and during appointments. They made things just a little brighter (and warmer – those procedure rooms are cold!).
- Food. Dinners, but also snacks and gift cards to restaurants for takeout. It was one less thing to worry about, and what we didn’t eat right away went into the freezer for when the dust settled. My kids are adventurous eaters and still talk about some of the tasty new foods that people brought to us.
- Tupperware, and lots of it. For all of the leftovers and freezer meals from #2. ** Bonus points to the friends who offered to organize, label and freeze all the leftovers, and wipe down my fridge afterwards!
- Housecleaning. Either offering to do it yourself or hiring a professional on my behalf, this was a lifesaver. After both of my surgeries, I wasn’t allowed to pick up, push or pull anything heavier than 5 pounds for 8 weeks each time – so that eliminated even simple things like vacuuming or carrying a basket of dirty laundry down the stairs. Knowing that these everyday tasks would get done was a huge relief. ** Extra thanks to the friends and neighbors who offered to shovel our sidewalks, rake leaves and any other number of projects.
- Books, movies, magazines, etc. Having cancer means a lot of waiting, so anything to pass the time is helpful. Subscriptions to magazines or Netflix, DVDs of a favorites TV series, a book off the best-seller list or a classic series like Harry Potter would all be great ideas. ** This is a great way for kids or teenagers to get involved: “Aunt Karen is going to need to rest for a while – why don’t we make her a list of our favorite books and movies? She’ll have a lot of great ideas to choose from when she’s ready for the next one.”
- Stationery. Notice that I said “stationery” here and not “thank you notes.” Yes, a LOT of formal thank you notes needed to be written. But sometimes I just wanted to say hi to an old friend without calling or texting, or to offer encouragement to another cancer patient, or whatever. Having beautiful blank notecards to jot a few quick words in was very helpful at those times.
My family and I continue to be amazed at people’s thoughtfulness and generosity during a very difficult time. We are forever grateful, and it is our pleasure to share these ideas for the next person who may need a helping hand.
