I Wish I Weren’t a Stepmom

I wish I weren’t a stepmom.

The weight that fell off my shoulders upon expressing those words is truly indescribable.

It’s taboo to say them out loud, of course,–words only shared in the darkest of moments with close friends who love and accept you no matter what or with someone carrying the same weight.  Instead, that thought and feeling remains inside strangling your insides like a cobra that has slithered and wrapped itself around you leaving you unable to breathe.

To Walk in a Stepmother’s Shoes

In fairy tales, the stepmothers are wicked and the stereotype is thus perpetuated.  In reality, it is the single most thankless role within a family makeup. For nine years, I have walked in these stepmother shoes.  It has had its peaks and valleys. I married a man who had a three year old daughter when I met her. We attempted to go to a museum the very first day we met, but it was closed. Instead, we played in the front yard, watered flowers, took a picture of ourselves {that still is on our refrigerator today}, and went to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal. Our first meeting was sweet, fun, and simple.  Several weeks later, when we would see each other again, I said “Hi!” and was met with “You’re not my mommy!” Nope, I’m not.  Nor was I trying to be.  But at 3 years old, it wasn’t necessary for someone to infect her with that either.  My stepdaughter and I have had to fight diligently for our relationship from the very beginning.

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Challenges

My husband and I developed our relationship with some of the most difficult challenges thrown at us during those early years.  Allegations of abuse flung upon each member of our family–adult and child.  All proven false, of course, but damaging just the same.  We miscarried our first baby together amidst that stress. That baby would be six and a half now.  All our money went into fighting for shared custody of his daughter. We lost our house.  We had stupid arguments about nothing because our stress levels were at the maximum. I packed my car more than one time, ready to leave this chaos. When the final allegation of abuse against myself was hurled, in the middle of a trial, my husband was ready to walk away from it all.  Though once the allegations were dangling out there like wind chimes in a storm, we had to see it through and prove them false.

Risks

The risks of the possibility of losing my own child and my career was just too great to leave those accusations hanging out there untouched. We retained a criminal attorney to protect ourselves.  It was the first time I had seen my husband scared or cry.  We “won” shared custody and we mistakenly thought we could finally put all of that behind us.  Little did we know that was simply one chapter.  We had to gear up for preparation and an appearance in appellate court restating the same information over and over.  The appellate court upheld the lower court and we were still the “winners.”  Through all of this time and years, my stepdaughter and I had many wonderful moments and also many difficult moments.

For the last nine years, she and I have worked extremely hard on our relationship together.

Rewards

We are undoubtedly in a great place!  Our entire family dynamic has grown in leaps and bounds in recent months.  I’m so, so very grateful for the efforts we have ALL put in and the work we continue doing to ensure we are moving forward.  We certainly have had the occasional issue or slide, but because our communication has been so open, it’s been a breath of fresh air to simply discuss and let go.  The work has been worth it.

I recently had a moment of recognition that the evolving of relationships in my own family and home have been positive, growing, flourishing. Conversely, there is STILL the negative, destructive, and toxic influence attempts to undermine all of our development.  This I will never understand.

I still wish I weren’t a stepmom, yet the reason today is solely because I am her mother in every sense of the word with one exception…I didn’t give birth to her. Though I love her as if I did.
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Keep those stepmoms that you know in your thoughts. The road traveled is filled with thankless efforts and energy and often battles we don’t share.  We’re not here for the “credit,” but because we love our husbands and children no matter what comes our way and we continue to encourage and support those relationships with their mothers.

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Stephanie Ivanusic
A kindergarten teacher turned stay at home mom who was born in Pittsburgh and raised in Arizona, Stephanie returned to Pittsburgh 9 years ago after meeting her husband online. Though she plans to return to the classroom one day, these days she happily spends her time being home with her blended family of 4 kids. She has a 17 year old son, a 13 year old stepdaughter, and 6 year old and 3 year old daughters.