Court rooms, calendars, attorneys, arguments, missed events, mudslinging. I could write all day long about the struggles of blending a family—and I have written about plenty of those moments, but there are also some truly amazing aspects of being part of a blended family that makes our family…ours. We have a blended family of 6. My son from my first marriage–Andrew, my husband’s daughter from a previous relationship–Reagan, and my husband and I have two more daughters together–Lily and Violet. His, mine, ours…but ultimately all of ours.
When my husband and I met, one of the pieces of him that drew me in was the love for his daughter. I will never forget reading that all he wanted for Christmas was to spend more time with his little girl. That and his sense of humor sparked a friendship nearly a decade ago. When we made the decision to join our lives, there were so many pieces of the puzzle to try to fit together–logistics, kids, what does our picture look like and is that picture even the same. We have had plenty of growing pains over the years, but we have always remained steadfast in our belief that our family makeup can be the best ever for all of us.
We’ve all learned
to be flexible with our time and to embrace what we have and who is with us. Sometimes our family events only have four of us, sometimes five, and others all six of us. Whatever the case is, we try to ensure that all of our kids know we love them and wish we were all together no matter how the situation plays out. That flexibility carries over into all aspects of our lives–which is a great quality to teach our kids! Less stress, trusting that things can work out, being willing to accommodate other people…just teaching the basics of letting go of things we cannot control.
We also encourage our kids to express their emotions about anything and everything. From the inception of our family unit—George, myself, Andrew, and Reagan–we have had the following mantra as central: “Tell the truth and tell how you feel.” Out of all six of us now, the one person who has struggled the most with this is my stepdaughter. So, we recognize that and we continually work on finding ways to help her find her voice. So much of life in our blended family has been trial and error. Nine years later, we are in a really good place working together to support and encourage each other as individuals.
Lately, I have really observed our older two simply embrace their roles as older siblings who help care for, encourage, champion, play with, support, and be excited for the two littlest members of our family. It’s not always fun to be a teenager and babysit your little sisters or go to a dance recital or chase after a two year old at the park, but Andrew is an amazing young man who loves his sisters and I couldn’t be prouder of his willingness to pitch in and help. I recognize Reagan finds a struggle between feeling obligated to spend time with the little girls and wanting to. She’s also in that in between stage in life where she’s still a kid, yet beginning middle school. We’ve worked with her to help her be a wonderful big sister and not a caretaker or mother to them. It’s been really exciting to watch her grow into that role and we can see the Lily and Violet respond as well. They like having her to just play with.
We have this loud, sometimes chaotic house full of these little human beings we want to grow into functional, healthy, successful adults and we recognize that our daily experiences shape that, so we seek the positives in our blended life. Flexibility, compromise, perseverance, encouragement, sharing, security and comfort, and most importantly, love. We see our children interact in groups at school or in activities they are in and it makes me so proud to see them exhibit examples of kindness, fun, compromise, standing up for their beliefs or friends, encouragement. Those are the teachings I hope we are instilling in them and to see them playing out in the their worlds simply makes my heart swell. Every challenge we have faced and roadblock we have had to fight through, has all been for something so sweet and so good.
Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Having pieces of the past with our kids’ other parents being part of life is hard. It is so, so worth it.
