Being a nurse is something I have wanted to do since I was a little girl. As a child I played school and house, but my all time favorite was playing doctor’s office. My teddy bears and dolls each had labeled medical files that housed their x-rays and prescriptions. Even back then I was a control freak fixated on organization. I would mend their boo boo’s with pretend band aids or casts. Give them medicine when they didn’t feel good. It was a calling. And as an adult, who is now is a master’s prepared nurse, I am thankful to have been driven by a passion to care for others. What I did not expect is the influence my profession would have through all aspects of my life, most significantly how it would impact me as a mother.
Life of a Nurse
I went into pediatric nursing right out of college. When I was choosing what floor I wanted to apply for I purposely picked a specialty that appeared challenging. So a pediatric transplant nurse I became. The children I cared for were either awaiting a transplant or had already received a new liver or small bowel. I achieved what I had hoped. I definitely found myself challenged by the complexity of the nursing care I was providing. More importantly though, my patients were the bravest and toughest humans I have or will ever meet. Many of my patients knew life only inside a hospital, as many of them were born with the diseases that lead to their needing new organs. Many of them were fed via IV or feeding tube, never knowing the excitement of eating Cheerio’s or puffs for the first time. But yet the atmosphere of the unit was still fun, vibrant, thanks in no small part to the spirits of those little patients. As their nurse, I got the privilege of knowing their favorite cartoons or toy. I got to rock them to sleep while they watched the Minion movie for the millionth time. I got to see them squeal with glee when the dog volunteers came around. Most days were filled with positivity and hope. Until an event would happen that would shock us all into reality that these kiddos were very sick, some living on borrowed time, and that tomorrow was not a given. Of course everyone, even my nursing friends, would say ” isn’t it depressing working with sick children?”, “how do you do it?”. For me I loved working with children. There was so much hope surrounding them, even in the face of such harsh circumstances. I couldn’t imagine myself anywhere else. I felt compelled to give my all each day to my patients by providing them the best care and comfort I could. With pediatrics you are not just treating the patient, you are treating the entire family. Every decision, every action has to take into consideration the family unit. You may be surprised to know I learned a lot about parenting from my experience on the transplant unit. I saw parents make impossible decisions, endure the deepest heartbreaks, and give everything to comfort and care for their child. The unconditional love that is the fuel to keep a parent going is an amazing thing. I remember many night shifts, once the children were asleep, when a parent would catch me as I was sneaking out from resetting an IV pump. Their weary eyes and exhaustion showing on their face. They would want to talk, desperate to have adult interaction with someone who understood them and what their child was going through. I never hesitated to lend an ear. Knowing that small conversation could refill that parent’s tank enough to help them get through the next day with their sick child. I admired those parents so much. I could not wait to have my own children so I could truly understand the bond I got to witness day in and day out with the families I cared for.
Life as a Parent
The realization of how my perspective had changed after having my first child came a few weeks after I had returned to work from maternity leave. I was helping with nursing education in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, when I encountered a family whose baby was on life support. The child was unconscious, with a machine breathing for her. When I saw her I was flooded with so much emotion. I pictured my baby girl’s face in the same scenario and it was heartbreaking. I wanted to hug her parents, and cry with them, because I could for the first time truly imagine the pain they must have been feeling seeing their child in such vulnerable state. What became overwhelming for me was the idea that you can do everything right as a parent, but accidents and illnesses still happen. Our jobs are to protect our children, but we cannot protect them from everything. This is ever so apparent when you work in a children’s hospital and see the unthinkable everyday. The reminder that it could be my child in the hospital bed helps me be a better nurse. It helps me put things in perspective when the mom of my patient keeps ringing the call bell a million times. It helps me take extra special care when I am changing a bandage just as a I would with my own child. It inspires me to be involved in the clinical research and evidenced based practice that is improving patient outcomes so I can help cure and prevent suffering for our tiny patients.
Life as a Mom, RN
The two hats I wear as RN and as Mom can be a balancing act sometimes. As a nurse I give a lot emotionally to my patients, but I have to be careful to ensure I keep enough of myself for my family. Nurse’s schedules are not always the most desirable, I have changed jobs a couple of times since having my children, struggling to find a balance that will give me time with them without sacrificing every holiday and weekend. Because I am a pediatric nurse I put a lot of pressure on myself to diagnose their sniffles and assess their bumps and bruises. Sometimes my clinical knowledge can be a curse, leading me to worry about the what if’s. But I also have seen it work as a blessing, allowing me to advocate for my child in this increasingly complex healthcare environment. One unexpected benefit of my choice of profession has been my daughter’s fascination over what I do. She loves to hear about how I take care of sick boys and girls and make them better, things I see her emulate in her play. She loves to visit my work, wide eyed at the largeness and constant commotion of the hospital. I hope that by watching me live out my passion through my work it will continue to inspire her to do the same. And I wouldn’t even mind if she followed in her mom’s footsteps one day.
