We had our first child very young. Emma came along about 2 months after my 21st birthday. She has always been a quiet, reserved little girl. (Still is… unless you see her at Warped Tour.) This made our unplanned start into parenting an easy ride. Our first son came along only 2 years later. Again, with Noah being so sweet and shy we knew we could handle this whole kid thing and would maybe even have a few more some day.
Five years later, when our oldest was in the first grade number 3 was born. Yet another easy little one who was soothed with the slightest touch. Caleb quickly became a Mama’s boy as I quit working full time then. He was the only one not to experience any daycare or preschool. Our days at home as just the 2 of us were easy. He kept to himself when I had things to do. Never made a mess or got into anything and taught himself how to read on the channel guide to the TV!
When Caleb was about 2 years old my sister and lots of my friends were getting pregnant. I could feel my ovaries quake. Especially as my only daughter was getting older. She no longer let me pick out her clothes. She started to pay more attention to the Jonas Brothers than her American Girl dolls. After much discussion, Tim and I decided that it was time to complete our family.
Getting pregnant did not prove to be as easy this time around. With my first 2 all my husband had to do was look at me and the stork appeared. But getting pregnant on purpose wasn’t an easy business. Especially with 3 other kids-one being a toddler,jobs and a house to run. Finally though I did get those 2 pink lines I was waiting for. I was ecstatic. Maybe I’d finally get another girl! But a month later I lost the baby.That had never happened to me before. I had only previously experience 3 mostly ‘normal’ pregnancies. I was devastated. This happened in June right after the big kids got out of school.It was a crappy summer for them as I really didn’t didn’t want to leave the house. I was a mess.
During my checkup 6 weeks later I got the biggest shock ever: I was pregnant again. With a due date about 2 months after the previous one. Well you know what they say,once is all it takes right? A few weeks later-2 days before my birthday and a few days before the kids went back to school-I suffered another loss. This one about 100 times more traumatic as the one 2 months before. I was wrecked.I yelled, screamed,cried and prayed. Both alone and with friends. And I promised myself one thing: I would never put myself and my family through this again.
That fall I immersed myself in blogging, bible study and throwing huge birthday parties for my kids. All the while pushing my husband (who was just flipping amazing through it all) away from me. He tried so hard to quell my anger. Christmas came and went.I remember being so excited about the thought of being pregnant on Christmas. With the kids’ birthdays all being just before I had never gotten to experienced that.But as the New Year came, so did a bit of peace about what I went through and some days I thought I still wanted another baby.Especially as I was seeing new ones born all around me. I knew though that I’d never forgive myself if we made another baby only to let it die inside of me a few weeks later.
The Blizzard of 2010 had just ended. We were finally starting to see some concrete and patches of brown grass start to peek out. I was late. I still had some dollar store tests in the back of the drawer from before. I hurriedly took one before our new mattress was delivered. This time when the lines appeared my heart sunk. Again. I was going to put us through this again. I didn’t even tell my husband right away. I think I kept it to myself for about 3 days before he knew. But then I was glad. Together we could prepare ourselves for what we felt was the inevitable.
The weeks went by. We told no one except those extremely close to us.We had doctors appointments without incident. It didn’t matter though. I was neurotic at this point. Totally convinced I was going to lose my baby. The sheer joy I experienced the first 3 pregnancies was totally gone. I still worked part time but left early a lot. Either to go to ER or to sit on the same corner of the couch to sulk. Even after I passed the 9 week mark I so dreaded, I still refused I’d get to meet this little one. Then the second trimester arrived. I breathed slightly easier but still went to er at least once a week begging to have my hcg levels checked. It was then I was referred to get a psych consult. The anxiety was agonizing. It took over my whole life.
Still though this baby continued to hang on but not without incident. I was diagnosed with gastroparesis, my BP skyrocketed, I still had bleeding episodes and during my ‘big’ ultrasound we were told that our baby had a 50/50 chance of Down Syndrome. I think I barely even blinked at that news. I didn’t even take them up on the additional testing that was offered. We just wanted this baby so bad and the amniocentesis came with risks I did not want to take.
Then in yet another first I went into labor all on my own. (I had previously experience an induction followed by 2 scheduled C-sections for the boys.) It was a few weeks away from my estimated due date and days from my scheduled c-section. We joked as this was all new to us, as if we never had a baby before and headed to the hospital.
Then in the wee hours of the coolest date of the year: 10-10-10, Stella Patience was born. Patience because it required lots of it to finally get our number 4. The baby to complete our family.
Now as we near her first day of Kindergarten and 6th birthday I still pray for Patience.
Remember reader, my first 3 kiddos are shy, sweet and reserved? Well my Stella has a very different personality. It’s BIG, somewhat loud and lets just say she possesses ‘leadership qualities’. Just as I worried about her in the womb I worry about her now. Is she too curious? Will her mouth get her into trouble? Will other parents, kids or even teachers shun her because her personality does in fact require Patience?
I can be honest and say this: never in my nearly 17 years of parenting have I ever yelled this much, felt like I was going to pull my hair out as much, been this tired or questioned myself as a mom. This girl pushes me to my limits and keeps me on my toes! But then I take a time out,pick up her tiny little frame (so much sass in a little body!), look at her amazing blue eyes and remember how much I wanted her. How I prayed to God to save her and let me be her mom at every appointment,through ever doubtful, neurotic moment of that almost joyless 6th pregnancy. Now I jokingly think God said “Ok, I’ll give you another little girl, but you’re gonna pay for it!” I think about how good she is at math, loves animals and creating art. She loves hugs and she makes her Pap-pap laugh! She will only wear dresses and adores her older siblings and has her daddy wrapped around her little finger.
I can also tell you this: NEVER has my heart been this full.
