It’s time for my annual review at my job, which means I need to give some serious thought to setting realistic career goals for the next year. I also set some personal goals at the beginning of 2018, along with occasionally adding to my perpetual “bucket list” of trips and life-long aspirations. Adding to the expectation of actually accomplishing those goals, I routinely see posts on my Facebook feed with statements like “I am ROCKING my purpose!” or “our team is going to C-R-U-S-H our BIG SCARY goals!!” or “this girl is SLAYING!”
Hmmm. That’s a lot of goals coupled with a lot of pressure to achieve those goals. Apparently it’s not enough to set goals and then achieve them, but one must absolutely demolish them. For a Type A box-checker like me, this seems both daunting and exhausting.
So… I’ve decided to create a list of things that I will definitely NOT achieve in the upcoming year, and congratulate myself in advance for already accomplishing them. It’s my Anti-Goal List. It’s like I’m achieving goals in reverse!
Things I Will Definitely NOT Accomplish in 2018
- Run a marathon. My husband religiously runs five days a week and finds it meditative and peaceful. Conversely, when I run, I hate every single step and I am certain that I am dying in a slow and agonizing fashion. It’s sheer torture. I am admittedly out of shape, but I can assure you that when I do get back on the fitness wagon, running will be kept to an absolutely minimum. I will never voluntarily run any farther than I drive in a day, so running 26.2 miles for fun is absolutely out of the question.
- Learn to like mayonnaise. Over the years I have attempt to “learn to like” certain foods – hot sauce, red wine and fish being among the most notable. I’m pleased to say that I’ve been relatively successful with all three of those, but I have repeatedly failed as far as mayonnaise is concerned. And you know what? I’m giving myself a pass on this one. It’s disgusting and always will be. Amen.
- Knit or crochet. Both are serious skills, but I don’t know a single person under 60 who does either one. It seems like these hobbies are reserved for spunky little white-haired grandmothers, which I will hopefully be someday but am definitely not ready to be yet. I want to give my forties their due! I’ll stick with my middle-age suburban mom hobbies, such as carpooling my tweens all over southwestern Pennsylvania, making multiple trips to Target and writing checks for fundraising activities that I’m trying to avoid.
- Learn to tap dance. I’m not particularly athletic or coordinated, so my parents did not encourage me to take dancing lessons the way most young girls do. I suspect that my window to become a prima ballerina has closed, but I occasionally see advertisements for adult tap dancing classes. I’ve just never enjoyed all of the clicking and arm-flailing and overdone gestures – maybe I’m more of a hip-hop kind of gal? Regardless, no tap dancing for me.
- Wear stilletos. I’m 5’9” and so is my husband, so there’s just no need. I also wear a size 11 shoe, and I can assure you that there aren’t any “cute shoes” in size 11. Shoes of that size look like canoes, and who wants to wear stiletto canoes? Couple that with the fact that I am not exactly a graceful person (see the section on tap dancing above), and this scenario has “face plant” written all over it. I’ll spare myself the embarrassment, thanks.
- Watch The Walking Dead. I currently don’t have the amount of time that is required to truly dedicate myself to any television series, but if I did, it would definitely NOT be a series about zombies. I don’t understand the obsession with the undead – I could use a brief tutorial on exactly why they are so trendy and popular if any local zombie experts are available. But until then, zombies are not my thing, and therefore a time-consuming series about surviving a zombie apocalypse is definitely not my thing.
- Attend an opera. It’s no secret that I’m a bondafide Sting groupie, but I enjoy numerous other musicians and most types of music. I’m almost always open to expanding my mind and having new experiences. But I draw the line at opera. I’m certain that the singers are extremely talented and have worked for years to hone their craft, but sitting through an entire opera would be my own personal version of purgatory.
- Understand Minecraft. I will support just about anything that interests my children, which has previously meant learning the intricacies of games like Clash of Clans and TriviaCrack. But there’s something about Minecraft that I. Just. Don’t. Get. My kids have explained it numerous times, but it still just looks like badly stacked cubes to me. What exactly is the point of this game? What is the intrigue? How is this fun? Yeah, I’m letting this one go and resigning myself to a few nods and “huhs” when my kids discuss it from now on.
- Own a ferret. I absolutely love animals – we share a home with a guinea pig and assorted fish, and recently said goodbye to our beloved 18 year old cat. I’d love to have another cat or even a dog someday. But ferrets just creep me out. I see them in pet stores and I feel an instinctual urge to take a few steps back. They look mean, as if they are collectively plotting how to bite me. And don’t get me started on how they look like beady-eyed lizards when they run. I’m totally okay with never having a ferret as a “fur baby.”
- Use a tanning bed. Those things look like radioactive coffins, which I strongly suspect is a metaphor for their association with the development of skin cancer. And the tans look fake anyway. Nope nope nope.
Wow, look at that! I have already accomplished everything on my 2018 Anti-Goal List, and it’s only March! I’d even venture to say that those goals were S-L-A-Y-E-D. Time to reward myself for a job well done. Anyone care to join me?
