Last week I was rushing to get the kids ready for school, frantically making breakfasts and lunches, barking orders at everyone, including the barking dog, and I had to take pause and think for a minute – “Is this the way my kids are always going to remember me? As a screaming basketcase? Will they ever see through this nonsense and see who I am – who I used to be?” And so, after everyone had left the house, after the dog was walked and fed, and after all the commotion died down, I decided to sit down and write this letter to my boys.
Dear Ronin & Kirin,
I wish you knew me before I was a mom – I wish you had known me through my childhood, through my high school and college days, through my 20’s and even in my early married life. I wish you could have seen me grow up, wise up, give up and get back up. I wish you had seen the girl who always had a smile on her face – the one who loved going to school, got good grades and never, I mean NEVER yelled. My older sister used to make fun of me, that I was a total pushover, and that I would give into anything, because I used to be sweet. Boy, did I used to be sweet.
I wish you knew me when I made personalized gifts for everyone, like when I knit scarves, gloves, hats and socks for everyone in my family during my first year of grad school – I was broke and living in an empty one-bedroom apartment. I barely had enough money to buy a few skeins of yarn. I wish you could have visited me in that 1 bedroom apartment, so we could have watched movies together, ate popcorn together, laughed and cried together.
I wish you knew me when I had had enough time and energy to work out, eat well, sleep 8 (or 9 hours) a night, and just sit and relax on a Sunday morning. I wish you knew me when I was able to take leisurely walks through the park, without a care in the world. I wish you knew me when I had time for self care, when all I had to clean up after was myself (and the occasional pile of dog vomit). I wish you knew me before I became the screaming basketcase I am today.
But I’m so eternally grateful that you know me as your mom – you know me as someone who will always be there for you, no matter what. Someone who will always, without a doubt, put you ahead of herself. Someone who will rush into your room at 2AM to calm you down after having a nightmare. Someone who will give you multiple baths on those days when you feel the need to play extra rough outside.
But sometimes, I wish you knew me before you came into this world – and you could see just how much you transformed me as a person, and how much you changed my life.
I love you.
Love,
Mom
