A few months after my husband and I exchanged I do’s, I got hit with the baby fever. Hard. I had known from the time I was very young that motherhood was something I wanted for myself. As a new wife I was very much settled into my career and knew that I could handle the challenges of motherhood. My husband wanted children, but wasn’t quite as sure that it was time to enter into parenthood, so I had to wait for him to get on-board.
The day he told me that he was ready, I bought a basal body thermometer, started stalking the TTC boards online, and bought a massive pack of ovulation and pregnancy tests. I knew that it could take months, or even years, to get pregnant, and I felt physically tortured by that possibility. I wanted to be pregnant yesterday, if only that were possible. I was a woman obsessed.
Looking ahead during my pregnancy to baby number two, I expected that it would be a similar feeling. That I’d be ready before my child even turned one, and that I would feel that same lack of patience in the process. I’ve been surprised to find that I feel completely differently this time around. Our original discussion to start trying around the time our son turned one never came to fruition. As his first birthday approached, I found myself longing to hold on to our little family of three. He couldn’t even speak yet. I didn’t want to give up the undivided attention he received.
We pushed the discussion of baby number two back to June of this year, which is quickly approaching. I see the pregnancy announcements rolling in from those that have kids PJ’s age. While the yearning is there to experience those tiny unborn baby kicks and watch my belly grow, I still don’t feel ready. I know I want at least one more child, but it doesn’t feel like it has to be right now. Life has been chaotic, and I don’t want to add to the chaos at the moment.
I know that one day in the future I will start to long for a new member to join our family. That day might be in a week, and it might not be for another year, or longer. I might have trouble conceiving. I might get pregnant before we decide to start trying. Life is full of unknowns, but they’re not worth worrying about ahead of time. A pregnancy will happen when or if it’s meant to happen. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the heck out of this current season of life. It may be chaotic, but it’s a really beautiful and worthwhile chaos.
