Passionate About Pittsburgh
and the Moms Who Live Here

What I have Learned in my 10 years of Marriage

Now, I’m no love expert.  By no means do I have any educational title to even allow me to give advice to anyone on love, or marriage, but I wanted to share my experience.  I have been married to my husband for 10 years (together for 12). Most of you might think 10 years is an absolute eternity (its not….till death do us part, remember?)  I’m very proud of the fact that we have not yet attempted to kill each other in this adventure we have been on. My marriage is pretty dang good. It hasn’t been all sunshine, and roses, but now, confidently, I can say it is.  Here are some things I’ve learned throughout the years that just molded us to be the family we have always dreamed of being

Lets learn how to share….

We have all learned at a very early age that sharing is caring, am I right?  When you get married, you should get used to the idea that not everything is just yours anymore.  The more you share, the better partners you become. My husband is the breadwinner of our family. Never once, has he ever said “my money” to me.  We both balance each other out in areas that the other cannot fill. He works his butt off every single day to ensure that we have food on the table and all bills paid.  I on the other hand, stay at home, taking care of the kids and house, making dinners, and getting everyone situated for the day ahead. Our separate bank accounts became one way before we were ever married.  We both know what we can, and cannot spend, and if he wants to splurge every once in awhile, who am I to say he can’t? He works very hard, and if he wants to reward himself with a new tool go for it. He would encourage that with me as well.  Sharing just isn’t about money, or material items, it’s also about sharing concerns, feelings, and thoughts. I feel the need to over share, with everyone, about everything. That’s just who I am and that’s OK. But I’ve learned it’s never OK to keep things bottled up from your partner, no matter what you think the outcome will be.  Trust is key in a relationship, and if you can’t open up to your partner, you may be headed down a rocky road.  

Kid(s) are exhausting…. 

We love em, we have em, we can live without them.  But some days, are pull your hair out days. Lock yourself in the bathroom.  Go for a very very long walk, by yourself days. Before children, your freedom is at free range.  You can come and go as you please. Head to the bar and have a drink, and maybe catch a movie if you have time in the night.  Kids are a complete game changer. Just make sure BOTH of you are ready for them. Once a year, my husband and I get date night.  We cherish any moment we can get to just be with each other one on one. Most of the time we are really busy, kids with school and extra activities, him with work.  But we try and take some time during the day to just have a moment with each other. Most of the time it’s when the kids are in bed and we can decompress. My husband and I are non-paid comedians, so most of the time we can just sit there and talk and laugh for hours.  Others, we might curl up and watch some of the backed up DVR that is on 99%. Either way, we make sure to let the other know we are enjoying their company. We have always talked about wanting a dozen kids (yeah, 2 is the max, kids are expensive) and we both wanted to be “young” parents.  I think our initial talk about children was on date number 3. We were very passionate about starting a family, and have the same values, and morals, so it was a perfect fit. It is very important to us, to make sure we do spend time with each other. It never has to be extravagant, or tons of fun, just a way for us to be with each other always makes for a good time.  

Don’t be bossy

I don’t know the polite way to say it, but you do not have to act like you rule the roost.  In our home, its equal share, equal say, equal responsibility, equal respect. I’m a firm believer that one person is not more superior than the other, so don’t treat them badly.  Roles can be reversed, same goes for women. It doesn’t matter who makes more money, who does more around the house. You are now one with each other. Respect is a very important thing.  You want to make your partner feel appreciated and loved. Don’t beat them down, strive to always pick them up when needed, or compliment them on the little things. No one is happy living in a miserable relationship.  You should take pride with the things your partner does for you and your family.  

Don’t you lie to me….

This is a big one.  It’s a deal breaker for me, and most people actually.  No one likes a liar. There’s a difference between telling a small fib, and blowing your entire mortgage payment at the casino and telling your partner otherwise.  I can confidently say that my husband and I have had an honest relationship since day 1. I have never worried about him doing anything that will hurt me, or my family.  I think the key to that is….. Drum roll….. Not getting your panties in a fluff when they do come to you spilling their beans about something. In the beginning, I will say, I was a bit dramatic about a few situations, but as I grew older, and wiser (as i’d like to think) I realize, hey, they are only human, just like me.  Its OK to make a mistake once in awhile. No one is perfect, and no one is going to be 100% at all times. Here is a good example for you. We are very big on thank you notes. I gave my husband one to mail out, and I was told by a few family members these said thank you notes were never received. Well, it was in my husband’s car the entire time.  I could have gotten mad, called him names, instead, I asked why he never mailed it. Turns out that day they had a minimal crisis at his work, and I understand that it obviously took priority over what I needed done. No biggie, I’ll just mail it tomorrow. Now, before I jump to conclusions, I take a step back and look at the whole picture. Is it something worth fighting over?  Ruining an entire day? Chances are, probably not. Let it roll off your shoulders. Life is too short to be that mad all the time.

Are you hangry or cranky?

Lets face it.  We all have our moments where we just aren’t feelin’ it.  Whether you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, didn’t get enough sleep, or just having a bad day in general, we tend to take it out on the people closest to us.  I won’t lie about this one, it’s something that i’m still working on. I’ve gotten (a smidge) better. But there are days where I can be a bear. My husband and I have this unsaid written rule:  If one is cranky, we stay out of the line of fire. It’s honestly just the best for both of us. We take our time that we need, and then all is well. Why sit there and nag just to start a fight.  Sometimes my husband will say to me “you’re trying to start a fight with me…” then I know I need to take a step back. We are both relentless in that area. Very bull headed. So if we go toe to toe arguing, it will never end.  It’s good to have your personal space. Especially when you aren’t in the best moods. I just have to remind myself that whatever i’m feeling, isn’t his fault. Why bring someone down with you? Remember, you are there to support and love each other, even on the worst days

Love all of me

Probably the most important thing I’ve learned to date, is just to love, fully and unconditionally.  Even the worst moments, arguments, disagreements, I tend to remember why I fell in love with this man.  He’s loved me through it all. Two kids, a house, a different crisis in between, he’s been there. The good, bad and ugly, he’s always been my best friend.  To have the best relationship, you have to be friends. We were friends first. Like I had said before, we are unpaid comedians, so of course our sense of humor, and the fun times we had together developed into something more.  I want to be the best wife I can be, because he’s been nothing but the best husband I could have ever asked for. I’ve never expected him to go out of his way to show me he loved me. When we were getting married, I didn’t want a fancy wedding ring, I just wanted him.  It has never been about material items for us. Sure our house is small and crowded (its a mini Toys-R-Us) but we are together, and happy, and to me that’s all that matters. I’m a firm believer that what you give back you receive. Don’t expect someone to treat you like an angel if you are the devil in disguise.  If you treat each other right, there should be no doubt in your mind. The past few years, I’ve really tried to let the little things roll off my shoulders, and it’s worked for me. Life is all about what you make of it. Be happy, share your happiness, and love. Love hard. You only get one real chance at it (to me at least)  so why not make it the best, most memorable experience you can.  

 

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